Friday, August 14, 2009

Grapevine Fires...

When the wind picked up the fire spread
And the grapevines seemed left for dead
And the Northern sky looked like the end of days
The end of days

I woke up this morning, well, this noon, and I played some Death Cab while showering. I don't sing in my shower, I listen. It's much less should try it. While in the shower I looked outside through our frsoted glass. It was just a blank page of white. Immediately, I was transported to the Winter. It felt like there was a foot of snow covering everything. It was great, and strange at the same moment. I actually felt like it was mid-Winter and there was snow covering everything. Then I realized how much I miss the snow. It's been too long since I've witnessed and experienced a real snowstorm. I really hope we get some snow somewhere mid-continent next semester. I could use a day where the Northern sky looks like the end of days...

The wake-up call to a rented room
Sounded like an alarm of impending doom
To warn us it's only a matter of time
Before we all burn

Before we all burn
Before we all burn
Before we all burn

Then I got lost in the song. My thoughts went from cold and snow to hot and fire. Fire. It's been awhile since I thought about it all. Usually when people ask or talk about it, I give the typical 'I can't really even describe it' response. But this time I actually got back into the emotion. How useless I felt in the gym; how mad I was at people believing they were heroes for coming into the gym and taking only their friends away, while people who needed to leave slept on a cold, hard floor; how proud I was of my guys for responding perfectly; how I was just fine with not having my stuff in the morning. Everything came flooding back. Wow...sometimes you can forget some emotions. I hadn't thought about anything from that fire for a while. Sometimes it might be good to remember just how you felt during crazy times. Maybe revisiting trauma is good every once and a while...

We bought some wine and some paper cups
Near your daughters school when we picked her up
And drove to a cemetery on a hill
On a hill

And we watched the plumes paint the sky gray
But she laughed and danced through the field of graves
And there I knew it would be alright
That everything would be alright

Would be alright
Would be alright
Would be alright

And the news reports on the radio
Said it was getting worse
As the ocean air fanned the flames
But I couldn't think
Of anywhere I would have rather been
To watch it all burn away

To burn away

And then I thought about the second fire. The second evacuation. The one that just wasn't going to happen. And then did. I remember just rejecting it. Thinking, 'I'm just not going to let this one happen'. Sitting on the deck of E, playing every song in my iTunes library with the word "Fire" in the title. And laughing. As we watched a massive plume of smoke engulf the sky on the other side of Santa Barbara. I wasn't being sadistic, far from it. I was just unwilling to let something like the fire happen again, so I was going to reject that it was actually happening. Then, it happened again. And I spent around a week as a refugee. Moving every night, unable to go home (It really wasn't that bad, I mean I was driving around in my car, but still). Then finding a beautiful piece of peace when our staff met. I know it was late, I know it was bad timing, and I know it was the day before graduation. But it was amazing. I really, honestly couldn't think of anywhere I would have rather been to watch it all burn away...

And the firemen worked in double shifts
With prayers for rain on their lips
And they knew it was only a matter of time


  1. Nice Walker,

    Looking forward to more updates in Europe, as well as seeing you in December!

  2. When I think of you I think of music. Thanks for the cool thoughts brother.

  3. I definitely made a playlist entitled "from tea to jesusita" with all the fire-related songs i could think of around the time we were allowed back on campus. Hm. Funny. At least looking back on those times reminds us how far God has brought us. :) Also - this reminds me of coffee bean.

  4. Ok, so i just might comment on every single blog... i am catching up on yours currently. But just because i don't comment, doesn't mean i didn't read... the only times i don't comment are those times when i am able to express some self restraint. Where did you get those lyrics? I loved it, all of it, your thoughts.